By 
Organic Basics, a startup founded by four Danish innovators who are clearly trying to vex me, has introduced a line of underwear you can rock for weeks without washing, and, like Sally Field in Steel Magnolias, I just want to know why.
I feel the need to bleach my eyes after reading that sentence again, but like the song says, we'll have to muddle through somehow. Neither eyes nor underoos will be getting bleach if Organic Basics catches on, and reader, I'm afraid I must inform you that humanity is cancelled. Sure, this innovation is for a good cause. The company wants you to waste less water on washing your expensive draws. I can get behind this, in concept only. Washing and drying use a lot of different resources, are a tax on energy, and put chemicals in our clothes. Not ideal. Also not ideal: just... like... slipping on the same underwear you've had on since last season. I don't even want to wear my own skin for weeks. I barely have the same personality month-to-month, so this seems like a challenge.
The secret that makes this product something less than a heinous prank on the public is silver. The underwear is made with a polyamide fiber coated with silver and spun together with organic cotton and that secret ingredient apparently kills 99.9% of bacteria.
More From ELLE
On one hand, I love jewelry, so this aligns with my core interests. Please adorn my kibbles and bits with fine metals.
On the other hand, is this a chastity belt?
On the third hand, why didn't they call this product Long John Silver's?
I'm just asking!
Even if this does work, it will take a lot of mental adjustment to get used to. "Ah, another day of living on the Earth as a human in a body that is deteriorating in every possible way at all times. Let me pull on my one trusty pair of technically clean underwear and go about my happy life." I have some doubts.
The line is currently available in every country except Russia, so if you're feeling adventurous, slightly fancy, environmentally conscious and you don't mind strange looks from anyone you share a bed or locker room with, give them a try and tell odors "Hi ho silver, away!"
R. Eric Thomas is a columnist for ELLE.com, where he skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude. He is also the author of Here for It: Or, How to Save Your Soul in America, a memoir-in-essays.
