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On Wednesday NASA teased a forthcoming "discovery" about the surface of the Moon, to be announced Monday October 26 and I would like to file a formal complaint for emotional distress. Here's the thing, hon, what we're not doing at this time is mysterious reveals. We're on the 5,020th day of the 2016 election and you want me to spend a weekend feeling weirdsies about the movement of the spheres? I object! If you have news you are required to immediately report it using the proper channels. (The proper channels being a text to Rudy Giuliani from a number he hasn't saved in his phone but to which he will respond anyway.) NASA's teasing its upcoming reboot True Life: The Moon. They're like "you think you know but you have no idea!" To which I respond "I will stay unenlightened, thank you very much. Do you get it? Because the Moon has light? And yes I'm aware that it's reflected light and not generated by the Moon itself... unless..."
For a long time I've operated under the assumption that what the Moon does is none of my business. Yes, the Moon is responsible for tides and werewolves and, yes, I am against those things but until one of our elected leaders is brave enough to put forth legislation calling for the arrest and trial of the Moon, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about that. The Moon's gravitational pull is slowing the rotation of the Earth, adding 2.3 milliseconds to the day every century and who is going to give that time back? Not Miss Luna.
I've been trying very hard to mind my on business down here, having my Terra-ble, horrible, no good, very bad year, but NASA is insistent! NASA teasing an important announcement about the Moon and then making us wait to find out what it is is like your parents ducking into your room at bedtime and saying "We have a special announcement about our marriage! Tune in tomorrow! Sweet dreams." NASA telling us the haunted space rock has some news it would like to share is the celestial version of the "We should talk..." text. I don't need to be spending my weekend staring at the blinking ellipsis in my text conversation with the Moon waiting for it to finish telling me that it thinks we should break up. I know we should break up! I've been trying to break up with the Moon for years. No to the Moon, yes to a townhouse in Turtle Bay and a fur and a diamond ring.
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Alright, since we're all just telling the truth about the Moon on main, I'm just going to say it: I don't trust the Moon. Never have. It's dark-sided. The Moon literally ghosts us every month and then rolls back up in our lives like nothing happened and we're supposed to trust it? Toxic. So I'm going to be first journalist to say that this NASA announcement seems like trouble. Best case scenario is that NASA is like "The Moon doesn't exist. We were doing a bit; it got carried away. Blame Copernicus." Worst case scenario: NASA gets on the tube and declares "Happy Monday! Who here likes the film Melancholia...?"
We've got the Moon cryptically tweeting "Some personal news..." and we're not supposed to be concerned? And the week before Halloween no less? The track record for lunar-adjacent October surprises is not great. If this NASA press conference features commentary from Dr. Thackery Binx, I'm out. No thanks. The study of the Moon is called Selenography but I'm kind of booked up paying attention to the exploits of the Earth Selenas right now, so let's table this Moon news, thanks so much. You know what NASA needs to be announcing: the second season of Selena Gomez's cooking show. For the good of all humankind.
It's possible that this announcement has something to do with another announcement that came earlier this week concerning Nokia. According to NASA, Nokia will be putting the first cellular network on the Moon. I don't get cell reception in my Earth kitchen but go off, I guess. Congrats to Neil Armstrong who can now stream The Crown at work. I think the last thing we need is to loop the Moon into our cell phone tower conspiracy theory industrial complex, to be honest. The Moon and I aren't on good terms but even I wouldn't say the Moon is working with a hostile foreign nation to turn us into zombies. Unless...
R. Eric Thomas is a columnist for ELLE.com, where he skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude. He is also the author of Here for It: Or, How to Save Your Soul in America, a memoir-in-essays.
